Finding Myself Again

Lately I've been going through some inner processes tied to my relationship with myself. Until recently, I wasn't even aware it existed.

I'd had moments before where I felt my soul, only to forget again and slip back into my mind, into daily worries and tasks.

Until something happened: I stopped feeling good — good with myself. No matter what was happening on the outside, a beautiful event, a trip, a material gain, something felt off, like it wasn't enough, like something was missing.

What was missing was me — me as I really am, as I really feel, with my moods that I accept, with my emotions that always carry a clue, a message.

The inner critic in me wouldn't stop: that I'm not good enough, that I don't do things right, that I'm not capable of anything, that it doesn't trust me or what I do. I kept wounding myself with all the standards I imposed on myself, and then on the people around me.

When I do this, I feel powerless and I give in, handing the win to the judge inside me:

"Okay, you win, and now what? You've pecked at me and taken pieces out of me.

What did you do with them? Why are you doing this to me? Where's the goddess who knows no bounds and shines in all her splendor?

Yes, I know, you need proof to believe in me, to value me…"

Amid the endless swirl of thoughts, I try to work out what the word "relationship" means to me.

Hmm, well, relationship equals the relationship between me and my partner.

But in the moments when I was single, what was a relationship to me then?

It was the whole world around me: all the beautiful people I was connected to, people who felt like kindred souls.

I'd love to feel that sense of union, connection, and wholeness again — that sense of family. My family is everywhere, in every person I meet, a blessing from the universe.

What did I do back then to feel all of this? How did I draw it to me?

First, I surrendered and let go of every kind of battle, with anyone, including myself, and I opened my soul's arms to embrace the universe with all its dear, precious beings.

Now I ask myself:

"How did I end up building such a small universe for myself?"

I feel a slight ache in my chest; I still haven't surrendered, I still don't trust it, I feel the urge to argue, to criticize myself again;

"Why am I back here again?"

I pause, looking back a few weeks, remembering how critical I sometimes was of the people around me, judging them just to feel superior, important.

This competition between me and everyone else — but who's the judge?

I believed that would bring me the trophy I'd always dreamed of: recognition. Like in school, when I got first prize and felt good that everyone else — everyone but me — recognized my worth.

I used to explain away my own prizes, telling myself it was luck, that I had no real competition, that I'd fooled the teachers, and so on.

Even now, when I have some achievement, I feel happy for a moment, then think it can't possibly be real, maybe it's a mistake, surely something's wrong because… I don't deserve it. That's what some voice tells me from somewhere.

"Who am I to deserve this?

What did I do to deserve it?"

I swing between states of pure joy and elation and states of deep sadness, caught in this dance: one step forward, one step back, up and down.

I get tired, I want a break, I want to float on my own little cloud and connect with everything alive. I look at the grandeur of a flower, of a kitten delighting in chasing its own tail.

I wonder what it's like for them.

All they have to do is exist, it just happens. No one tells them what standards to live up to, they don't compare themselves to other beings. They simply exist, regardless of the season or the weather outside.

But enough of that — I put on my nicest clothes, spray on my finest perfume, and go out to treat myself to a tea, because I deserve it.

I realize how good it feels when I talk to myself, when I listen to myself — I actually like it. I like feeling myself, connecting with myself, and making peace within.

"It's a wonderful feeling that gives me wings and makes me trust — trust that I can, and that even when I fall, you're always here to lift me up, to encourage me, to accept me and love me every time, without any reproach; you're simply there, quiet, and yet you say so much that it moves me to tears.

You must have learned a different way to communicate, to get the message across. I'd love for you to teach me too — I want to learn to talk with you more often.

I realize you're with me every single millisecond of my life, walking beside me at every step, with patience, acceptance, and so much love. You're simply there, and in the hardest moments I feel you closer than ever. Even though I turn to others for help first, I remember you, I remember myself.

You're there, and happily you give me all you have, as if you can't wait for me to ask for your help.

Yesterday I told you I'm here whenever you need me, but it turns out I'm the one who needs your help.

In truth, you're the one who has traveled through so many lives and galaxies and crossed so many boundaries. You're like a wise teacher guiding their disciple toward mastery.

How do you do it?

How do you manage to be so wonderful? So pure, warm, gentle, and loving?

I admire you and appreciate you, and I'm sorry I didn't believe in you.

I hurt myself, and you were there — you lifted me up and helped me heal, you showed me the path to walk. You held my hand and showed me that I actually live in abundance always, that all I need to do is remember to look at the gifts around me, to remember each one, and to be grateful for everything that surrounds me.

It feels so good, I could talk to you nonstop — my skin feels dry. My soul is thirsty for you, I forgot to feed it.

Now I'm here, present in every cell, crying with joy at finding you again.

I thought you had left.

Actually, it was me — I packed my bags in secret and left. I went on a journey of discovery, to experience things.

And now I've come back to you, to share my adventures and ask for your help. I'd gotten a little lost in the labyrinth of my own mind.

Used to experiencing things head-on, I forget there's another way, your way. I still get caught up in the sum of things around me, but you're there to wake me up with love.

Teach me to walk my own path, show me the way, and I'll follow you into infinity — I want to learn, I want to travel with you through time and space.

Help me see my own greatness, and yours. Help me understand it, feel it, integrate it, become whole.

But I already am, I know.

Thank you, I love you.

The seconds pass and it's night outside; it's a pleasure to spend this time with you and listen to you.

Even though I've said it before, I love repeating it:

You know I love talking to you, and admiring beauty whenever I come across it — the beauty of your wonderful soul.

You're here, I feel you, and I carry you in the pocket of my heart…

What's our next destination, captain? :)"